Thoughts on Love
Loving someone is for who They are, As they are, with all their imperfections of character, and all the mistakes they Will make. With all their stumbling; ways/times they aren’t well; places they get stuck…with all they don’t know; have yet to learn; and will never know or learn… cherishing them in every moment for the unimaginable treasure they are : )
Being aware of, and consistently nourishing our awareness of the infinite gift and honour of getting to love one another; of getting to be Part of their life, and have them in ours; the sacredness of being their friend and companion.
Being really grateful for and honouring whatever degree (however near or far that may be) of closeness/intimacy of life, of love, of self, which we are blessed to share with them – to whichever degree we both want, and within the context of which we are able to protect and add to each other’s wellness and deep happiness – growing together into all the good G-d has in store for, and wants for us.
Through the ebb and flow of nearer and farther times; coming near and giving space – in both times according to, and with respect for their living, changing, fluid, dynamic need/want for more or less closeness – with love, happiness and trust – from an attitude of giving, and of loving for them.
Delighting in them; treasuring them, honouring them, respecting them, and really being there for them.
Consciously maintaining our internal state of sweet, wonder-filled happiness as an act of humility, trust, and thankfulness; as a way of loving and strengthening each other by reminding each other how beyond-our-deepest-hopes-good this life is – thank G-d, Who always looks after us and loves us with a love better than the best we hope for, and know is our birthright in the deepest secret places of our soul – and consciously maintaining our internal state of sweet, wonder-filled happiness as a way of reflecting to them how infinitely beyond words precious, good and loved they are – a cause for us to overflow with bright joy!
Recognising the extraordinary responsibility that comes with holding so much of their heart; the profound effect our life has on theirs – even our private life.
Keeping ourselves awake to the too easy to forget incredible fragility of their life, their happiness, their wellness, their self – and the incredible fragility of the wellness of our bond, our peace, our closeness, the happiness of our connection, the unique, irreplaceable, infinite, sacred, awesome gift of our love – so fragile.
And not being afraid! – just doing our best with what we have; not if, but how; not whether we are able, but doing our best starting now.
And at the same time remembering our astonishing resilience – not letting that make us even the littlest bit more careless or thoughtless, but finding some comfort and courage in it – knowing G-d’s got us; holding us, helping us, protecting us, healing us, nurturing us, renewing us; we’re not going it alone, ever.
And knowing that even with the most attentiveness, carefulness, gathering of wisdom, trying our best to apply understanding and compassion; with all of our very best… perhaps even then we are still millions of miles from equal to the task / immeasurably lacking in all we’d need in order to adequately love them and maintain the wholeness and wellness of our relationship.
We’d never be able to be aware of all the constantly changing, incredibly complex, subtle nuances that we’d need to be aware of, and take perfect care with, in order to meet all the needs of the relationship.
It is only sustained and given life to on the level of miracle ultimately.
So remembering that, and therefore praying lots and regularly to G-d for our peace; for the miracle of loving the other as G-d wants for them; for the miracle of the wellness and good, happy Life of our relationship – that our efforts be blessed and the other be loved just right, and the relationship be strong and well, and full of life and sweetness.
So we’ll do our very best with all our care, and let our best efforts be our best prayer.
Always asking ourselves what we can do for the other, as opposed to what they could do for us.
Asking ourselves what we can do for the other in the sweet things – ie: Doing all kinds of nice things for them – whatever we can, whenever we can : ) instead of, and without looking for them to do for us.
And asking ourselves what we can do for the other in the challenging and even painful things – ie: If they do something that bothers us, or which we feel hurt by, or think is wrong, even if we think everyone would agree that it is wrong – pushing ourselves to not comment, or try to correct them, or change them, but instead to give ourselves the hug that we need, and trust – we will be okay; we don’t need to say anything, really really; and we can love Them, and be understanding for them, and care for them, tolerating that thing, and incorporating it into our concept of who they are – loving them with a big, warm, happy smile for all of who they are, even right now.
One is a happy opportunity to be gracious and kind, and other centred.
The other is an opportunity to grow in patience, forbearance, inner courage, understanding, forgiveness, gentleness, and really – in love.
We have heaps of lack of our own, and need that same love for ourselves and from those around us, in order to be able to grow from a happy foundation – To grow from a place where we are able to feel good about ourselves today, as we are, and so grow from wellness to wellness – from strength to strength – from being good to being good – from being happy to being happy.
It IS right for us to be happy… and the only time to be happy is today – today is all we have – and since we’ll never be perfect, and always have lack, and make errors, and have so much room to be better and grow, in both relatively minor things and in significant things, the only way we can be happy is if we love each other as ourselves really for fully who we are today. We should do that for each other the same as we need it for ourselves.
Sometimes the very things we are upset about that we see in the other are the very things we lack in ourselves. In being courageous and strong in forgiving, being understanding, being gentle, being patient, being compassionate and finding love for them in this difficult area, we are being blessed with the biggest gift – to grow in the most important, and truly valuable ways ourselves. <- Learned this from H.H. The Dalai Lama. We are actually receiving the biggest gift, and learning to Be the answer we are looking for; to give love to another in just the way we need it ourselves.
Even if we are arguably further along in some area, from where we are there is still so so so much room to be better, and someone else could be just as upset with us for being where we are… Or they could love us, and seek caring understanding for us; for why we do what we do; with sensitivity to our inner vulnerabilities; with patience for our growth process; protecting and supporting us where we have injuries or are lacking; and loving us, really where we are – allowing us to feel good and happy being ourselves, and giving us the room we need in order to grow gently, in sweetness, as we would want to, without pressure – when we are open and able. Instead of asking for that of the other person, we could try to give that.
But if the other person is bothered by, or G-d forbid hurt by something I did, and feel they need to ask me to change something – then here also I can ask myself what I can give, not what I can get. So I can do my best to listen with openness; trust that they love me; trust that they care; trust that I’m loved and good even while there are things I can change to be better. Be grateful to know if there’s something I can Not do which would make things easier on them, or something I can change so I don’t cause them pain or hurt, please G-d have compassion, or something I could do that would add to their happiness : )
Being courageous in trusting, and being secure, and happy, and loving myself, and making it safe and easy for them to tell me these sorts of things without worry; really trying to understand what they are feeling and what they need, with care; what I can do for them – sets a much needed precedent that allows them to talk to me, which I need, because I love them, and of course want to know if there’s something I could change so I don’t cause hurt or difficulty, or something I could do to increase their happiness.
The more I can avoid being hurt, the more safe they can feel being themselves, at ease, without worry, relaxed and happy – loved.
If I have a need and they have a need, and it seems for the moment that only one of these can be met by the other foregoing their need – !be the one to let go of what I need, and do what I can to address their need, with love and happiness, understanding, and gentleness – in sweetness; graciously and gratefully. As our Rabbi’s taught (learned this recently at the Village Shul) – by foregoing our own claim, we never lose out – it is such a gift to get to do this.
Love. Protect, heal, and nurture. Being aware of their needs, hopes, dreams, pains, happinesses, thoughts, feelings; appreciating the other people that are important in their life – making sure those relationsuip are valued, guarded and nurtured – their teachers, friends and family. Being present with love in the hard times. Celebrating with happiness in their good times. Making them safe in their weak points or vulnerabilities, and delighting in their gifts and their incredible goodness : ) Honouring the good their family wants for them, and the way they want for them to be treated and loved, and the good Hashem wants for them, and the way G-d wants them to be treated and loved.
Care for them
Look out for them
Take care of them
Believe in them
Make sure their life needs are looked after
Look out for their well-being
Look out for their wholeness
Look out for their Freedom
Look out for their dignity
Receive gratefully what’s given to us
And offer respectfully =
Only what they are open to, and able to receive with happiness and a full, healthy heart and sense of self
Be their best advocate and friend
Help one another homeward
In a relationship we need both compatibility of core values, and simply a nice connection. In order to last though, we need a fundamental, strong connection and committment to enduring love – a committment to unshakably always be beside the one we love, hand-in-hand, beleiving in them; treasuring, cherishing, and delighting in them; loving them for all – really All – of who they are; with a preparedness for it to be hard – really challenging and painful at times – because it is, and much more so than most other things (except raising children) – we need to have the ability to stay connected to, and to keep in touch with the awareness of what is so astonishingly, awesomely, wondefully, spifftastically, preciously, sacredly, sweetest, highest, deepest light from the heart of the most inside place, good in this being together, loving one another, sharing this walk in Life together with them.